


shield, broken to pieces

by NerdsbianHokie



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Alcohol, F/F, Past Rape/Non-con, Past Torture, Present Tense, Prostitution mention, Warden as inquisitor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-31
Updated: 2016-05-31
Packaged: 2018-07-11 10:13:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,660
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7044184
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NerdsbianHokie/pseuds/NerdsbianHokie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There was no Warden to save her from Howe.  She had to save herself instead, and still found herself the only hope for Thedas.</p><p>"The loyal shield, broken to pieces, found only ash<br/>Left to the wind and rain. And Havard wept<br/>And took the ashes, still hot from the fire, and pressed them to his heart. "<br/>- Apotheosis 2:15</p>
            </blockquote>





	shield, broken to pieces

**Author's Note:**

> I just can’t get the idea of my Cousland as Inquisitor out of my head now. Follow up to a tumblr post I made after making my Cousland in Inquisition (I also did Brosca, but wasn't as inspired). Title is from Apotheosis 2:15

 

 

 

  


 

 

  _The loyal shield, broken to pieces, found only ash  
Left to the wind and rain. And Havard wept  
And took the ashes, still hot from the fire, and pressed them to his heart.           - Apotheosis 2:15_

She is barely in her nineteenth year when word of Blight reaches Highever.  Her father sends her brother and their troops to aid the king.  She invites sweet Iona to her bed.  Howe, a supposed ally, attacks in the dark.

Elissa fights through the castle with her mother.  She finds her sister-in-law and nephew dead.  She finds her father injured.  There is no Grey Warden to take her away.  There is only Howe.

In the span of a year she goes from a noble’s daughter, to the plaything of a completely sadistic man, to a refugee.  She escapes the building that once was her home with nothing but the clothes on her back, and a fresh batch of scars from torture and beatings.

She hides in Ostwick until news comes that the Blight has been defeated.  News of Howe’s death trickles through not long after.

She doesn’t stay anywhere for longer than a couple of months after that.  Her very being is unsettled by a need for revenge that will never be sated.

She does what she must to survive.  She steals, cheats, kills.  When a pair of Orlesian noble boys press coins into her hand for a quick shag in an alley, she finds an entirely new way to make money.   ~~She does her best to not throw up after, to not imagine Howe’s face, but that passes with time and experience.~~

Her blades are always sharp, and her lock-picking skills practiced.  She stays as still during a fight as she does in life - constantly flipping and twisting and changing direction.  She keeps a dagger in her boot that never sees use - it’s intended owner dead before he even turned ten.

She is in Rivain when she realizes that five years have passed.  She spends the entire week shitfaced.  When she sobers, a green tattoo circles her eye.

She refuses to look in any mirror for months.  Anything to avoid the contrast of blue and green so similar to the Cousland Heraldry.

The next five years are a blur.  She travels even more.  She returns to Ferelden for the first time, and catches sight of Highever while on the road.  She begins to visit local Chantries when she can, the atmosphere a subtle enough reminder of her childhood to not send her to a bottle.  She spends time on a pirate ship, and her time in the captain’s bed is neither paid for nor forced.  She is in Antiva when the Kirkwall Chantry is destroyed.

Suddenly, the roads are even more dangerous, but gold is even easier to come by.  She avoids large groups and loots dead bodies.

In the Ostwick Chantry, She hears word of the Divine making an effort to bring peace.  She joins their party to the Conclave.

They stop in Highever for a few nights to resupply and rest.  She wanders the streets until she arrives at Castle Cousland.  With her hood up and soaked in rain, she stares up at the building.  It is home to her favorite memories, and her worst.  She runs when a guard walks up to question her.

She feels a peace when they reach the Conclave, a peace she has only found in soft voices reciting the Chant.  This is a holy place.

She leaves the Ostwick party, drawn to other parts of the Temple - drawn to a path she would have taken in another life.

She doesn’t remember what happens next.  She just wakes, chained up in a cell.  She is about to descend into a full-blown panic attack when the doors open and two women walk in.

She refuses to answer their questions.  She refuses to ask her own.  She only speaks when necessary, wielding unfamiliar daggers, covered in ichor, an angry Seeker ready to disarm her.

_A demon attacked me.  What was I supposed to do?_

The Seeker relents, and they continue their trip up the mountain.  The peace she felt before is gone.  There is nothing holy about this place any longer.

She closes the rift, and stops the Breach from growing any further.  The Inquisition is founded.

She tells them she is from Ostwick.  She tells them she in an orphan.  She gives them the name Elissa, and nothing more.  The Seeker and Commander accept it.  The Ambassador is frustrated by it.  The Spymaster seems intrigued.

She continues to travel constantly, but she has never traveled with constant companions.  She has never has a single place to return to.

She doesn’t like it at first.  The banter of her companions sets her on edge.  The need to move on burns beneath her skin.

The questions sear her mind.  Was she really Andraste’s chosen?  If she was, does that mean her life was supposed to happen this way?  Her family was supposed to die?  She was supposed to spend half a year locked in her room, then over a decade escaping?

Divine fate or unlucky happenstance.  She doesn’t know which she prefers.

She stays busy to avoid finding the answer.

For months, she travels between Haven and the Hinterlands.  She scours every part of the region, helps ever person she can.  She secures horses for the Inquisition.  She finds a Grey Warden at Leliana’s request.  They stumble upon a dragon; Cassandra pulls her away.

She makes decisions at the War Table, deciding which adviser has the best plan.

She passes out drunk every night she spends at Haven.

She goes to Val Royeaux for Chantry support.  She returns with a Knight Enchanter and an elf who goes by Red Jenny and Sera.

She stands by as Leliana orders the death of a man, of a traitor.

She goes to the Storm Coast and brings back a Qunari and his mercs.

She learns that, while in Haven, it is better to ask questions of her companions.  If she asks the questions, they are either more than willing to talk about themselves, or will do almost anything to get out of the conversation.

It is only the Spymater she feels different about.  She knows the stories - heard them in Ostwick, and Antiva, and Orlais - she hears them whispered around Haven.  Leliana traveled with the Hero of Ferelden.  To most that simply makes her a hero.

To Elissa, she may be the one who killed Howe.

She sees the future in Redcliffe.  For the weeks that follow, as the mages prepare for the Breach, her nightmares take a red tint.  She can barely look Leliana in the eye.  She steals a cask and hides in the abandoned shack outside the village.  It takes three days for Leliana to find her.

_Were you there, when Howe was killed?_

Leliana responds easily that, yes, she was.  Elissa walks away before Leliana can question her.

They go to the Breach the next day.

Elissa doesn’t think she has smiled so much in one day since Before.  The revelry overtakes Haven.  Alcohol flows freely.  Chants turn into songs that shake the more poorly made doors.

Then it ends.

The fight for life is more comfortable for Elissa, it is something she has done most of her life.  She manages to save everyone she comes across in Haven, sending them to the Chantry.  She can almost feel the spirits of those lost in Highever look down at her with pride.

When Corypheus attacks her, she is ready to die.  She has done her job.  She couldn’t save her family, or the servants at Castle Cousland, but she saved the people of Haven.  That would have to be good enough.

Only, she doesn’t die.  She stumbles through the snow, unarmed and with one sleeve torn from when Corypheus had lifted her in the air.  The Mark burns beneath her skin.  Memories long locked up resurface and whisper in her ears.

She stays conscious long enough to feel Cassandra lift her.

When she wakes, she is told that it has been four days.  She is not told that the advisers and her companions took turns sitting next to her cot.  She is not told of the words she whispered in her sleep, heard only by Josephine, and told only to Leliana.

She leads the Inquisition to Skyhold.  She spends the first few days ensuring that everyone has a place to sleep, food to eat, and healing for any injuries.  On the sixth day, she is given the title Inquisitor.

She hates it.  It ties her to this place, to these people, in a way that she cannot escape.  She loves it.

No matter what she wants, she begins to find a place.  She is the Inquisitor, Herald of Andraste, to most of Skyhold, but to a select few, she is just Elissa.

She brings Grey Warden artifacts to Blackwall, and Circle tomes to Vivienne.  She spars with Cassandra and drinks with Bull.  When she laughs at Dorian’s expression when he falls into the water in the Fallow Mire, the noise surprises him so much he falls in again.  She plays pranks with Sera.  She avoids Cole, not wanting him to be exposed to her mind, but she takes note of his actions, and does what she can to help.

When she can, she spends time in the Rookery, sitting at the table covered in Leliana’s notes as she completes her own reports.  More and more she finds herself distracted by her Spymater.  Each time she is caught staring, her focus snaps back down to her report, a smile forcing it’s way onto her face.  Each time she is not caught, she has the feeling that Leliana _knows_  but is allowing her to look.

She still smiles.

Leliana begins to give her advice on learning the art of an assassin.  They spar in the night when there is no light, and at dawn and dusk, when the changing light makes shadows come to life.  More than once, one lingers as she has the other pinned beneath her.

At the Winter Palace, her skin crawls with deception.  Traitors whisper in her ears.  No party is innocent.  No party is best.

She finds what she needs and creates a truce.  Celene, Briala, and Gaspard.  If the traitors work together, who can they betray?

Leliana joins her on the balcony once the excitement is over.  They do not dance, but Leliana presses close to her, puts her hand on Elissa’s, and hums under her breath.  Elissa doesn’t know the last time she felt so happy.

The Witch brings her son to Skyhold.  All Elissa sees when she looks at him is Oren.

The Inquisition continues.

Elissa kills giants in the Emerald Graves, Venatori in the Hissing Wastes, and a ‘Choice Spirit’ in the Emprise du Lion.

It is on the return trip from the Emprise that Elissa first calls Skyhold _home._   It is just a thought, but it makes her freeze.  She looks around the camp, and realizes that these people are more than just companions.  They are friends, and some close to being called family.

She nearly punches Dorian’s father, then Bianca.  She avoids Cole less and less.  She helps him become more human, more grounded.  She finds a Wyvern’s heart for Vivienne, and searches for any cookie Sera might like.

After she has to help Bull chose between betraying his people and betraying his men, she gets drunk on the highest battlement.  She refuses to explain when Leliana finds her.  Seeing Bull and Krem spar the next day lets her know that she made the right choice.

Then Hawke arrives at Skyhold, with news, part of a plan, and a wit not quite as clever as she thinks.  They trade tips on caring for their daggers and snark about Orlesians.  Elissa is surprised to learn that the pirate she sailed with is Hawke’s lover.

She sets off to find the Wardens, and she finds them.

She has Cassandra, Sera, and Dorian with her at Adament.  She has Cassandra, Sera, and Dorian with her in the Fade.  She sees their fears, they see hers.

_There is a traitor in your castle again, Inquisitor.  Could you survive seeing this family slaughtered?  Best go back to whoring yourself out before it is too late._

Her grip on her daggers tightens, but she does not respond.  She just continues to push forward.  Her memories have already shown that she was no Herald of Andraste, there was no need to let any others make this more difficult.

When forced to chose between Stroud and Hawke, Elissa sees Varric, sees Isabela.  She leaves Stroud behind, and exiles the Wardens.

Back at Skyhold, she gets drunk on the battlement again.  Leliana does not join her this time, but she is there when Elissa wakes in her own bed with no memory of getting there.

She is given water and a small amount of elfroot for her headache, then an explanation.

She is told that she spoke in her sleep after Haven.  She spoke of Fergus and Oren and her father.  She only got Howe’s name out once, and even in sleep it seemed to hurt.  She did not speak in full sentences, but in snippets that only one with the right knowledge could put them together.

And, Leliana, she has the knowledge.  She helped kill Howe.  She met Fergus at the celebration after the Archdemon was alin.  The newly appointed Teyrn had thanked her for killing the man who had killed his family.

_But his family is not completely dead, no?_

She leans close.

_Elissa Cousland is dead.  She died with her mother and father.  Then her body was defiled by the very man who killed her.  I am not Elissa Cousland._

When she leaves, Leliana does not follow.  She gathers Bull and Vivienne and Varric, and they leave that very day to kill that dragon they found in the Hinterlands all those months ago.

Then one in Crestwood.

Then the Western Approach.

By the time the one in the Exalted Planes lies dead, even Bull wants to return.  Elissa brushes off their concern, and plots a course to the Emerald Graves

When they arrive at camp, Cassandra, Dorian, and Sera are already there.

Elissa stalks off, only to have the trio follow.

They end up camped in a cave.

The others talk first.

Dorian, then Cassandra, then Sera.

They talk about what they fought.  They talk about what their headstone said.  They talk about the fears laid open by the demon.

When they are done, Elissa begins.  She stares into the fire, unable to face them as she speaks of Howe, and her abuse at his hand.  She speaks of what she had to do to keep alive, and how she then had to live with what she had to do.  She spoke of the conflict within her about her position as Inquisitor, about how she had almost believed herself to be chosen by Andraste, only to have it ripped away.

There are no hugs, no condolences, no attempts to heal each other.  None of them have any desire for such things.

Dorian produces a bottle of wine that barely lasts half an hour, then he produces another, from where, Elissa doesn’t even want to find out.

They are all still passed out when Bull finds them the next afternoon.

They all decide that dragon slaying with a hangover is a bad idea.

They do it anyway.

She goes directly to her quarters when they return to Skyhold.  All she wants is to sleep and forget and ignore her door when someone knocks.

Leliana ignores the fact that she is being ignored, and enters anyway.  She stops at the top of the stairs.  Elissa stands by her wardrobe, dressed only in her breeches and tunic.

They stare at each other, then Elissa is moving across the room.  She pushes Leliana against the wall, and pauses.

Part of her wants to take Leliana, fast and hard.  Part of her wants to throw Leliana on her bed and work her up long into the night.  Part of her is unsure of what she wants.

Leliana’s smile says that she understands the hesitance, and that it is okay.  She runs a hand through Elissa’s hair before cupping her neck and pulling her forward for a kiss.

Elissa wakes the next morning with red hair in her mouth, a knee in her thigh, and contentment in her heart.  Her hand moves up and down Leliana’s back, the lattice of scars telling a story Elissa feared to be so similar to her own.

Leliana tells it to her the next night.  Betrayed by a lover and mentor.  Condemned as a traitor.  Saved by the Maker’s hand.

The night after, Elissa tells her story.  She doesn’t get drunk.  She doesn’t cry.  But, she lets Leliana hold her.  She takes comfort from the contact.

She stays in Skyhold as the Inquisition prepares to face Corypheus’ forces.  She spars and drinks and pranks.  She helps with some final  building projects.  She spends time with Kieran, closely watched by his mother.

There are still days she retreats to the battlement with a bottle, but she always wakes with Leliana in her bed.

The battle is long and bloody.  The temple is a maze of puzzles and ancient elves.  Samson yields to her blades and is left to be taken to Skyhold.  She will take his life, but only after judgement.

When they reach the Well, she is tempted to let Morrigan have it’s power.  There is, in fact only one thing that stops her.

_Keiran needs his mother._

The witch argues, her companions argue, but Elissa will hear nothing of it.

She was closer to Keiran’s age than her own the last time she saw her mother.  She will not risk putting another child through that, not if she has the option.

She drinks from the Well.  They flee Corypheus.  They return to Skyhold.

She knows how to finish this war.

Preperations are halted when Keiran runs through the Eluvian.

Elissa watches mother and daughter and son.  At Morrigan’s offer of sacrifice to keep her son safe, Elissa is reminded of her mother, of frantic pleas.

_Let her go.  Take me instead, I beg of you._

Howe was not moved.  Flemeth, however, is.

She takes what she needs from the boy, but spares him.  Her parting words to Morrigan are intended as a truce, as a reassurance.

That is the first night since she escaped Howe that Elissa lets herself cry.  Leliana holds her.  She does not ask questions.  She does not offer platitudes.  She just holds her as she cries, and continues to hold her when the tears stop.  When Elissa wakes the next morning, Leliana is still awake, still holding her.

Elissa goes back to Haven that day.

Before she goes, however, she goes to see Morrigan and Keiran.  She pulls a dagger from her boot.  The blade has the heraldry of Highever on one side, the heraldry of the Cousland family on the other.  The sheath is dark leather decorated with green and blue stitching.

Keiran’s eyes go wide when she kneels and passes it to him.

_This was made for someone very important to me, but I never got to give it to him.  I think he would want to you have it._

She avoids Morrigan’s eyes and leaves the garden without so much as looking at the witch.

She finds Leliana in the Rookery.  She kisses her long and hard, not caring about the other people.  She makes no promises to return.

She finds Cassandra, and Dorian, and Sera.  None of them promise to return.

The battle is a blur.  Dragons fight over head, twisting between floating boulders.  Corypheus runs at every turn.  Stairs, so many stairs.

Then, the dragon stands before them.

They have slain ten dragons to date.  This one is no different.

As it falls, she feels a tug, a reaction from another world, another life.

She pushes forward.  They can kill Corypheus now, and he falls even easier than the dragon.

Solas leaves.  The Inquisition celebrates.  Elissa stays in bed with Leliana for two days.

These is still work to be done around Thedas, but it feels less frantic, less rushed.  The Inquisition takes the chance to slow down and breath.

Requests for aid pour in.  Villages still struggling with bandits.  Outcrops of Templars and mages still fighting.  Rifts stopped appearing, but those already in existence still need to be closed.

The gentry ask for aid.  The nobility asks for favors and appearances.

For months, Elissa moves from battlefields to ballrooms.

Then, a request comes from Highever.

It has been fifteen years, and her stomach still churns at the thought of walking into Castle Cousland.  It takes Leliana and Josephine combined to convince her to go, but they request a meeting between the Inquisitor and the Teyrn before any thing else.

She walks into the castle in full Inquisition regalia.  Leliana follows her, one step behind and to the side.

They are led to a chamber full of bookshelves.  This was the room she had been tutored in.  The desk in the corner still has her name carved into it.  A portrait of her mother and father hangs over the fireplace.  She had loved that portrait as a child, had stared at it endlessly.

She is staring at it when the door opens.  She hears her brother’s voice for the first time in fifteen years.  She turns, he stops mid-sentence.  His eyes flick from her to the image of their mother over her shoulder.  He steps closer, confusion clouding his face, then shifting to something else.  She smiles.

 _At this, his wounds healed, and he stood_  
_And gathered up the ashes, and carried them_  
 _To the lands of the Alamarri, away from sorrow forever.     - Apotheosis 2:18_


End file.
